a stellar smashing

Recently, in the midst of all this end-of-the-year mayhem, I’ve realized several things about myself that I hate. Maybe it’s not that uncommon, but I think I have always had this idealized vision of myself, as if I really am this great and wonderful person that a lot of people love. But that’s not true. I mean, people DO love me, and I am an okay individual, but a lot of the time, I annoy the crap out of myself.

For instance, last night:

Morgan and I were just hanging out in our room, watching American Idol and Chelsea Lately, complaining about the disgusting condition of our bathroom counter thanks to our not-so-neat suitemates, when all of a sudden, it hits me that in just a few days, I have to start packing the contents of my stellar year in Chicago into a bunch of brown boxes and move back to Muncie.

“MORGAN!” I whine/shout, pushing my face into my pillow.

“What?!” she asks, a little alarmed.

“I don’t wanna go home!” I say, and I start writhing around on my bed like a fussy tot.

“Geeze!” she says. “We’re still here for another week-and-a-half!”

“I know,” I pout, sitting up. “But that’s not long enough!” I let myself fall very dramatically back on my pillows, my arms up over my head, and I give a long, whiny sigh.

Fifteen minutes later, when I finally decide to start my Writing & Rhetoric homework, I start complaining again.

“MORGAN!”

She doesn’t answer. Can’t blame her.

“I’m so sick of this semester! I wish it was over and I could just leave!” I cry.

“You’re so bipolar!” Morgan says, laughing. “You were just saying how you don’t want to leave, and now you want to.”

“I knowwwww,” I say, and I’m whining again so I let the word trail off until I run out of breath. Realizing that Morgan would probably rather me shut up so she can go back to watching Chelsea, I give another dramatic sigh and reluctantly start editing my paper again.

I’m very ridiculous. Like I said, I’ve learned some very terrible things about myself lately, and I thought I’d make a list to get them all down. Not so any of the five of you will leave a comment after this post telling me how wrong I am, that I am actually a very amazing person, but just because it’s an interesting thing to list.

Things I Hate About Me:

1. I’m very emotional and very indecisive about my emotions. Someone once told me I was a “rollercoaster of angst.” This is very true.
2. I’m really not a good friend. So, if you are my friend, you might want to start looking elsewhere for a satisfactory companion because I will not suffice.
3. Sometimes I laugh like I’m retarded. It’s true.
4. I embarrass easily, which also means I blush at anything. Sometimes I blush when people wave at me, or when I have to read aloud, or when I laugh, which is the worst, because I’m laughing like a red-faced retarded person.
5. I say “retarded” much, much too often. For someone who is supposed to have a semi-stellar vocabulary, I rely on the phrase, “That’s retarded!” to express disappointment in just about everything, which makes me look like a politically-incorrect ignoramus who utilizes offensive expressions without giving much thought to the actually retarded people of the world.
6. I am not easy to get in contact with.
7. I am also not good at returning phone calls, text messages, etc.
8. The combination of numbers 6 and 7 frustrates friends and family back home, and I’m pretty sure they’re all going to disown me next Saturday when I move back.
9. I have like, zero motivation. Other than homework and writing, I really, really suck at getting things done and making them happen. I just…get very, very distracted at times.
10. I am, however, VERY good at spending money on stupid things like coffee. It does NOT help that there is literally a Dunkin’ or a Starbucks on EVERY corner of campus!
11. I often use the word “literally” when something literally is not true, like the above statement.
12. I’m sort of selfish. For instance, if someone asks to use something of mine, I’ll be like, “Psssh, sure! Take it! Take anything you want! I don’t care!” And then they will and I’ll think, “Geeze, get your OWN stuff!” Like right now, I can hear one of our roommates using my straightener in the bathroom. And even though I’ve told her on several occasions to use it, I’m sitting here grumbling to myself because she’s doing exactly what I told her she could.
13. I think I’m really witty. I’ll say something in class that makes everyone laugh, or I’ll write a blog that I know is entertaining, and I’ll start thinking about how brilliantly witty I am. I’ll daydream about how people probably sit around and say things like, “Oh, you know that Naomi? Yeah, she’s really witty, hmm?” Which, really, isn’t much of a witty thought at all.

I could go on, but if there’s one thing I truly don’t like about myself, it’s that I write these long rambling blogs with the expectation that like twenty people are going to read it and love it, and that never happens and I’m always sort of disappointed.

So, the end.