a stellar smashing

I’m a very, very different person from the last time I wrote.

Since then, I’ve become the person I told myself I would never be: someone who works too much and thinks about money far too often. Someone who neglects her passions to make time for sleep and school and obligations. Someone who, when dealing with stress and mistakes, turns into herself. Someone who groans about tomorrow, about everything.

I’ve been trying to do too much. I’ve been trying to accomplish more than I can handle, just for the sake of a bigger paycheck, for a higher self-esteem, to feel like I’ve earned my right to complain.

I’m not happy, but I will be soon. I’m cutting my hours at work. I’ll just spend less and…figure out another way to save for next fall’s rent and my trip to Italy. I’m going to set aside time for school, for reading and writing and walks in the city–the stuff I LOVE about being alive and living in this city.

I’ve stopped pursuing the things in life that make me the happiest because of a slip in priorities. I thought I’d be happier with more money to spend or save, but everything I buy loses it’s newness as soon as I walk out of the store. I thought I’d feel accomplishment with a 30+ hour work week, but I only feel like I’m wasting time when I’m at work. I thought I could get by in my classes without pushing myself, without taking the time to employ my creative faculties, but I just don’t feel engaged.

So, here’s to spring and the sun and absolute clarity. Here’s to self-honesty, and the pursuit of passions, and to what makes life enjoyable. Here’s to the old Naomi.