a stellar smashing

The rain outside is tapping, tapping, tapping my window, and it’s evoking a lot of strange desires and needs in me.  Makes me want to write about it:

It sounds wet and warm and slick, and I sort of wish I was out in it all. Hair dripping wet, slapping my eyeballs. Drops curling like a necklace around my skin, down to all the soft places only my fingers feel. Teeth bouncing dancing chat-chat-chattering with cold. Warm shivers creeping like spiders on my arms. Cold lips, warm breaths, white clouds in the yellow street lamp light.

…I’ve been sad, lately.

Feels like I’ve been getting rained on, but really, I’m keeping quite dry. In fact, I AM happy. Maybe, all this year, I’ve been enjoying a BIG sort of happy, and I used it all up so now, I’ve just got this small happy to deal with. Like when, all your life, you eat the same Jell-O. And you eat a lot of it. Too much, actually, and you eat the Jell-O company out of business, and…you know, actually, no, the example I was going to use is not at all the same thing. Never mind.

Quite simply, I’m just not used to NOT being completely and ridiculously and deliriously happy.

For those of you reading this, I hope you don’t think you don’t make me happy. You do. My LAST wish is that this post of mine will make you feel inadequate as a companion and friend.

I’m just…indescribable. There really isn’t a word for that place between happy and complacent, is there? Maybe…mediocre? Satisfied? Fulfilled?

No…no, none of those work.

I think, maybe, I’m just…here, in that gray little place between happy and not-so-happy, that place that confuses feelings and jumbles thoughts and wrecks words.

All this from the rain, tapping, tapping, tapping still…