a stellar smashing

Yessss.

I made it to day two.

Three weeks of this, and this just might become habitual.

UGH.

I’m lonely.

I want to go home.

It’s strange, really. I spent my first semester here in Chicago loving EVERY fabulous new moment of it, dreading every visit home because I’d never found a happiness that lasted until I moved here. And I mean HAPPINESS in it’s most pure and full form–a joy, a zest, for all things and all parts of life.

And I’m still that happy. It’s just 7 months old now and it’s nothing new.

But…

I miss home.

Going back this weekend was not a good idea.

Actually, no. It was a wonderful idea. I’d been in near tears the few weeks before I took the train home, just because I missed my family and friends so much. Especially Joe. And Alayna and Carmen. And my girls. I got to see everyone I needed to this weekend, but not for long enough.

The thing is, they’re all still there, in Muncie, with each other. And I’m here in this city where I only have a handful of people that care about me, and none of them grew up with me or know me like my Muncie loves do.

That’s what sucks about being raised in a college town: everyone ends up staying there after high school, and if you’re brave enough, craving difference enough, to leave, then you give in to the realization that everyone you love is going to keep growing together and living together. You become the girl who moved to the city, and GOOD for her, but man, she’s just not around anymore.

And then you fall to the bottom of everyone’s speed dial.

And even when you go home, everything’s different.

I’ve changed SO much over the last seven months. For the better. But selfishly, stupidly, I assumed my best friends back home would still be my best friends when I was four hours away. I assumed home wouldn’t change. I didn’t want it to change.

It did, though.

And now, with all of these fabulous city things and opportunities around me, all I want is to go home.

I don’t want to be back with the familiarity. The predictable sameness.

I just don’t want to be missing out.